i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
soo... how was my night?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
