Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I party with great urgency now.
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