I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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