my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
