She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
