hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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