The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
