dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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