I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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