We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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