i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
