does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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