i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
