My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
