I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
