I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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