Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
