I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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