Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
