true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
