i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
