Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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