I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
