Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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