I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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