Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
