He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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