i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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