why didn't you poke me back
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
