you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
