I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
