after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
