You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
