there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
