I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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