hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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