Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
