My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
