God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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