You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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