I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
