rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
