i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
