in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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