There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
