I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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