also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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