Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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