I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think i have herpe
just one?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
