Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
